Are we our own worst enemies? Is the world of classical music too stuffy by half? Certainly MUSO magazine seems to think so. According to its website MUSO is “the groundbreaking magazine for the younger, more open-minded generation of classical music fans”. And, following MUSO’s ‘groundbreaking’ survey into the sex lives of classical musicians, its editor, Femke Colborne isn’t a happy bunny. Not that the musicians themselves weren’t responsive – they seemed only too happy to detail their sexual shenanigans. It’s the reaction to her ‘fun’ Valentine’s Day jape from the rest of the profession that’s riled her.
“Are classical music and fun mutually exclusive?”, poses Ms Colborne, adopting a rather fetching pose herself above her steamy editorial. “This industry (sic) could gain a lot from lightening up a bit. Musicians are forever complaining about the lack of prominent classical coverage in the national papers; but by adopting these kinds of attitudes they are probably deterring the media, who are understandably reluctant to publish content that is stuffy, elitist and well, boring to everyone who is not part of that ‘serious’ circle.” Phew! But Femke’s only just hitting her stride: “ Classical music gets a lot of bad press from a bunch of pretentious old gits trying to impress each other with how much they know about it but MUSO gives it the vibrant, fun and colourful image it deserves.”
So it’s odds-on that Femke’s next project won’t be a re-write of “How To Make Friends and Influence People”. But while I am distressed by such blatant ageism I do believe the young lady has a point. After all, composers from Arnold (whose Grand, Grand Overture was scored for ‘full orchestra, organ, three vacuum cleaners, one floor polisher and four rifles’) to Zemlinsky (whose opera ‘The Dwarf’ features deliciously black comedy) have always acknowledged the place of humour in music and they have certainly never been averse to a bit of rumpy-pumpy.
As to the survey itself there are one or two startling conclusions. Viola players, apparently, are ‘most likely to have sex on a first date’, ‘most likely to have had sex three or more times in the last week’ and ‘most likely to have had 10 or more sexual partners’ (presumably not all at once). Perhaps it’s because they have so little time to practise that violists are the constant butt (forgive me) of jokes like “How do you know when a viola is played out of tune?” Answer: “The bow is moving.”
Other, more predictable, results showed that guitarists were ‘the most likely to have had a one-night stand’ and that tuba players not only played ‘the least sexy instrument’ but were also ‘most likely to be single.’ Of course had Ms Colborne come to me in the first place I could have saved her a great deal of unnecessary angst as the answer to the survey’s key question: “which musicians make the best lovers” just had to be “cellists”.
Given the near impossibility of finding a classical CD in our High Street stores (have you noticed how – if there are any – they are hidden in the most obscure corner and can only be located after braving an assault course of hip hop and rap) I was surprised to see a full-page ad in BBC Music Magazine of a Warner Classics CD of ‘British Light Classics’ proclaiming ‘available at W H Smith.’ That was until I noticed the small print at the bottom: ‘subject to availability’.
