I blame my mother. When I was four and I asked her if I could play a cello she should have mentioned the many attributes of the piccolo. It was left to my teacher, Pierre Fournier – who had spent an entire lifetime on the road with his cello – to warn me of the perils in store. But by then it was too late, for my adventures with the wretchedly bulky instrument were already well underway. Thirty years later, perhaps you might forgive my amusement at this recent news item from The Cincinnati Enquirer: “Mr Won Bin-Yin, a professor of violin at Cincinnati University, was ‘distressed’ when he was refused boarding on a Delta Airlines flight to New York because his violin was too big”. Without wishing to cause my female readers too much disturbance on a wintry February morning, apparently: “Mr Bin-Yin was accustomed to sliding his invaluable 30-inch instrument into Delta’s ‘size-wise’ receptacles on all his flights” O lucky man! For no cellist of my acquaintance has ever managed to slide their ‘jumbos’ into any airline’s receptacles – ‘size-wise’ or otherwise.
Travelling with a cello is a nightmare. Apart from being surrounded by remarks like “Give us a tune mate”, “Bet you can’t get that under your chin” and “Do you know you’ve got a machine gun?” (answer: “You hum it and I’ll play it”) there is always the problem of the airlines themselves. Basically, if a cellist wants to take their cello into the cabin they must pay an additional passenger fare. It doesn’t matter how empty a plane is, without a paid for seat the cello must be put with all the other baggage, regardless of it’s value. Of course, once the instrument is in the hold the airlines accept no responsibility if it gets smashed to pieces – for the obvious reason that this is extremely likely.
But at least all those extra cello seats must be eligible for air miles? Forget it. I tried filling in the form once: Name: (no problem) Barjansky Stradivarius Sex: (um, alright) Female Place of birth: (looking good) Cremona, Italy Date of birth: (game’s up) 1690
Of course I sympathize with Mr Bin-Yin and his fiddle, really I do. For American security staff are a law unto themselves. Once, after purchasing a seat for my cello on a flight from JFK to Heathrow I was stopped at the gate by ‘security’. “You’re not going past here with that”, the official insisted, pointing rudely at my cello. “But I paid for a seat for it” “That’s got nothing to do with me. I’m Security. Either check it in as baggage or stay behind. NEXT PASSENGER”, he bawled, and everyone started pushing past me. Incensed, I started down the ramp myself. Evidently unused to such blatant disregard of his authority, Mr Security made a grab for my cello. I jerked free and rushed towards the plane. “Freeze!” he yelled, giving a passable impression of Dirty Harry. Still walking, I glanced over my shoulder and was alarmed to see him waving a gun at me. Rashly calculating that he wouldn’t dare shoot, I continued my increasingly shaky descent towards the (for once) welcome sight of the cabin crew. Explaining that I was a bit worried about getting a bullet in my back the captain reassured me: “Oh, that’s just Mike – you don’t want to worry about him, he often gets a bit touchy.”
I can get a bit touchy, too, when the very fabric of music making in this country seems to be under attack. There is still a lack of instrumental tuition in our primary schools, our music libraries are being surreptitiously culled and, worst of all, the ill thought out ‘Licensing Bill’ will force churches to apply for an expensive licence every time they hold a concert. This threatens to decimate live music up and down the land. Please protest to your MP before it is too late.
The news that the Vienna Philharmonic has finally admitted a female to their ranks shows that we have come a long way since Sir Thomas Beecham querulously declared: “The trouble with women in an orchestra is that if they are attractive it will upset my players and if they are unattractive it will upset me”. Now what we need is an all-female orchestra, preferably hand picked by recording moguls whose sole criteria – as in the case of the all-girl string quartet ‘Bond’ – will be artistic excellence. A happy side effect will be the willingness of male conductors and soloists to considerably reduce their fees to make beautiful music with this fabulous band. And, to make sure they do not get too lonely on tour, I am certain that their wives will wish to accompany them.
