A particularly pointless ‘survey’, undertaken by the University of Leicester, has revealed that playing classical music in one Leicestershire restaurant caused its clientele to ‘feel a bit posh’. As a result they spent ‘up to £2 per head’ more on their ‘luxury items – starters, desserts and coffee’ than when poor old Britney Spears was played. What these pro-Muzak lobbyists always conveniently forget is the large number of people who actively avoid places that play piped music of any kind. If they can. Because Muzak is everywhere: at bus stops (‘Queuezak’) in public toilets (‘Loozak’) and it is even being played to cows (presumably ‘Moozak’) to increase their milk production. I understand that Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony and the ‘cow-pat’ school of English composers are always good fodder for squeezing that extra pint out of those musically discerning Friesians (Toscanini’s brisk tempi proving especially effective). But best of all in the musical mood-manipulation stakes is the deleterious effect of Delius on miscreants. Another stupefying survey showed vandals caught on CCTV at a neighbourhood shopping precinct ‘running scared’ the moment Delius’ ‘On Hearing The First Cuckoo In Spring’was played. Doubtless just as the composer intended.
A resounding silence from the organisers of the Mercury Music Prize (“open to all kinds of music including contemporary classical”) after I told them off last month for omitting classical music from their shortlist this year. They should learn a lesson from those open-minded Swedes, whose Polar Music Prize has been shared this year by Blues legend B.B. King and the contemporary classical composer György Ligeti. Every year this prize (worth £75,000 each to the winners) is awarded for “exceptional achievements in the creation and advancement of music”. It was founded by ABBA’s former manager, Stig Anderson, and previous pairings have included Burt Bacharach and Karlheinz Stockhausen, Stevie Wonder and Iannis Xenakis and Mstislav Rostropovich and Elton John. Are You Ready, Mercury?
So many readers seem to have enjoyed my recent roundup of my favourite musical ‘gibes’, that I have come up with a few more. As usual our old friend, conductor Sir Thomas Beecham, leads the way. Sadly, Sir Thomas’ opinion of his pianist wife, Betty Humby Beecham’s playing was none too high. After they had performed a Mozart concerto together, the orchestral manager asked Beecham whether he wanted the piano taken off the platform before the start of the second half. “Oh, you may as well leave it” replied Sir Thomas, “It’ll probably slink off on its own anyway”. German conductor Otto Klemperer provided a useful insight into the music profession when a friend of his was lamenting how many great conductors had died that year. Lugubriously he began to list their names. “Ja, ja” interrupted the irritable Klemperer, “it’s been a good year, hasn’t it?” Another maestro, Arturo Toscanini, was renowned for his explosions of temper. During one particularly fraught rehearsal, he flung his baton to the ground and yelled at the orchestra. “When I die I will return to Earth as the doorman of a brothel…….and I won’t let one of you in!” Instrumentalists have their moments too. The great composer and pianist Sergei Rachmaninov gave some memorable concerts with violinist Fritz Kreisler but the duo did not get on too well backstage. Midway through a Beethoven sonata in New York, Kreisler – who was playing from memory – forgot the music. Rachmaninov, however, had the music on his piano stand, and – in a desperate attempt to recover his place – Kreisler began to creep behind Rachmaninov to try and catch a glimpse of the music over his shoulder. Still he could not find his place. “Where are we?” he whispered frantically. “Carnegie Hall” replied Rachmaninov. Perhaps the eighteenth composer John Gay had a point when he said “Music might tame and civilize wild beasts, but ‘tis evident it never yet could tame and civilize musicians.”
