Have you heard the one about the Frenchman and the exploding piano? Step forward François-Rene Duchable, the fifty-one year old concert pianist who appears to be undergoing something of a mid-to-late life crisis. Announcing his ‘retirement’ – while denouncing classical music as ‘elitist’ – Duchable will give three farewell performances at which he will, 1) – crash a piano into Lake Mercantour, 2) set his tail-coat in flames and 3) explode a piano in mid-air “to prove that the concert is dead”. In an interview with (start Ital) La Croix, (end ital) Duchable rants: “I have had enough of sacrificing myself for one per cent of the population. The piano is a symbol of a domineering bourgeois and industrial society that must be destroyed!” Warming to his cause he proceeds to rubbish three of his greatest rivals – Alfred Brendel, Martha Argerich and Maurizio Pollini – all of whom have one thing in common: they are much better known that Monsieur Duchable.
I have news for the renegade Frenchman. Classical music is only as ‘elitist’ as its musicians want it to be. If Duchable had made a habit of playing in schools and hospitals as well as concert halls (even if his fees would not have been so high) he might not have become so dissatisfied with his chosen profession. He might also have allowed himself an occasional collaboration with musicians who were not, in his opinion, strictly ‘classical’ – but perhaps he was too ‘elitist’ to do that?
PS Maybe, Monsieur Duchable, before smashing those expensive grand pianos you could be persuaded to donate them somewhere where they will be appreciated, like a youth centre?
As the public seem constantly astonished that classical musicians can be playing beautiful music one minute yet slighting their colleagues the next, I thought I would round up a selection of my favourite (printable) musical ‘gibes’ this month.
Pride of place amongst the backbiters goes to conductor Sir Thomas Beecham: “A kind of musical Malcolm Sargent” was how he dismissed the young Herbert von Karajan. When told Sargent might have been kidnapped in China, Beecham exclaimed: “Extraordinary! I had no idea the Chinese were so musical”. My own favourite Beecham gibe came after his live broadcast of Vaughan Williams’ (start Ital) Pastoral Symphony (end ital): “It’s a city life for me” he murmured to the nearest microphone.
However, the most notorious ‘story’ attributed to Beecham was, in fact, delivered by Sir John Barbirolli. Interrupting a lady cellist mid-bow Barbirolli declared: “Madam, between your legs you have one of the most beautiful instruments known to man. And all you can do is sit there and scratch it!” Conductors, in general, are an excellent source of anecdotes. Just think of the hapless foreign maestro who tried to berate his orchestra in broken English “You zink I know f*** nothing, but ze truth is I know f*** all!”
It has been said that the trouble with singers is that they can’t keep their mouths shut. But who would want to miss this gem from a magnificently proportioned soprano? Encountering a problem negotiating her dressing room door at London’s Barbican Centre, an embarrassed assistant attempted to intervene: “Madam, have you tried going through the door sideways?” “Honey”, replied the spherical diva, “I ain’t got no sideways.”
Recently, I had the enormous pleasure of working with Elton John (we recorded his Your Song for release next month). The man is a true professional. He recorded quickly, with the minimum of fuss, he never played a wrong note and the ‘feel’ was great. He reminisced on his student days at the Royal Academy of Music (he has recently given a fundraising concert for them) and told me how much he was looking forward to his concerts at Hampton Court the following week. Having enjoyed a fabulously successful career, Elton seems determined to give something back. He raises massive sums for charity and, I later discovered, he had played and sung for nearly three hours entirely on his own on two successive evenings at Hampton Court – and he had no need to explode his piano! Elton John is someone who loves both music and people and, hence, loves life. Are you listening, Monsieur Francois-Rene Duchable?
